The Honest Guru Answers Your Questions
Dave: Dude. I been told to not write you cause you're intolerant of fools...fools like me I guess.
The Honest Guru: Don't be silly. I'm being very tolerant, aren't I?
Dave: Dude. I been watching rugby lately and I was wondering what does the referee say before a scrum? Whatever it is, it sounds way cool.
The Honest Guru: The referee says: Crouch... Touch... Pause... Engage...Yeah I guess it sounds pretty cool.
Dave: Dude. Is it uncouth to give someone a nose hair trimmer as a gift?
The Honest Guru: Better make it a gold-plated nose hair trimmer.
Dave: Dude. Once when I was watching a Bugs Bunny episode, Bugs was trying to gain the affection of a very rich pro South old man who had a dog named Belvedere. The old man hated the North so bugs often tried to make Belvedere look bad by putting a New York Yankees hat on him and all that. So, having had just about enough with his dog's northern leanings, the old man asks Bugs where he's from. Bugs answers Boston. "Boston? BOSTON!!!", the old man said fuming. But Bugs, ever quick on his feet, replied, "Did I say Boston? I meant South Boston." This calmed the man down...Now my question is if Boston is up north, it stands to reason South Boston must be south of Boston but still considered up north? Right?
The Honest Guru: Dave, South Boston is a town in Virginia.
Dave: Dude.
If a cataclysm should strike the Earth in order to render it back its purity, Who do you think the new rulers of Earth will be?
The Honest Guru: Antarctica probably would be spared, therefore, after dinosaurs and Man, it'll be penguins who'll rule world...with a few Norwegian scientists as their slaves.
Dave: Hey what'd ya think about my last question,not bad huh, pretty deep huh?
The Honest Guru: No need to be giddy.
The Honest Guru: No need to be giddy.
Dave: I'm not as stupid as you think I am, huh? Admit it!
The Honest Guru: Be quiet...
Dave: Dude, I'm starting to think I'm a loser...
The Honest Guru: Why do you say that?
Dave: Well, when they first came out, I thought Facebook and Twitter were such stupid ideas, that there was no way they'd fly. And look at them now.
The Honest Guru: Got any stupid ideas?
Dave: I'm serious HG, this is getting to me. Am I a dummy? I always seem to be on the wrong side...Help me out man...
The Honest Guru: Well Dave, I got some good news and some bad news...Which do you want first?
Dave: Let's have the bad news first I guess...
The Honest Guru: Well, the bad news is you won't probably won't ever be a millionaire...
Dave: Hey that's cool, money isn't everything...What's the good news?
The Honest Guru: Well, for once you weren't wrong...You are a bit of a dumbass.
Dave: Maaaaannnnn!
Dave: You know dude, I did something embarrassing. There's a rinky dink auction every Friday where I live, and I got carried away and bought cockroach traps for 2$, there were no takers so I bid and got them.
The Honest Guru: So, what's the problem?
Dave: Well, it's a small village, and now I'm worried people are thinking I have cockroaches...
The Honest Guru: Hmmmm...
Dave: I mean Halloween just went by and all I got was 2 trick or treaters, and them 2 were teenagers whom I suspect were acting on a dare!!
The Honest Guru: How many trick or treaters do you usually get?
Dave: About 50...
The Honest Guru: Well it looks like you should have plenty of leftover candy to feed them cockroaches with.
Dave: Hey dude, did you know that if you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas will be produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb? Isn't that amazing?
The Honest Guru: Hummm, only 6 years, 8 months, 30 days, 23 hours and 59 minutes left to go.
Dave: What?...Aww maaaannnnnn!
The Honest Guru: Hummm, only 6 years, 8 months, 30 days, 23 hours and 59 minutes left to go.
Dave: What?...Aww maaaannnnnn!
Dave: I watched Ivan the Terrible's biography the other day on tv.
The Honest Guru: Yeah
Dave: They were saying that he got evil from all the mercury-based medicine he used to take, cause that's how it was back then. The mercury, like, slowly drove him insane.
The Honest Guru: I hear you.
Dave: Do you think he'd have ended up being insane without the mercury anyway? You know, like, considering his unusual upbringing?
The Honest Guru:...
Dave: Ah-ha! I got you stumped, YES! I finally got you! The mighty Guru is speechless.
The Honest Guru: No wait, no, I'm not stumped.
Dave: Well?
The Honest Guru: First of all, don't try to act smart, it's rather unbecoming and it will eventually prove to be an unrealistic ambition. Secondly, let me reassure you that your anal thermometer habit is quite safe. Although I would recommend you switch to a galinstan thermometer comprising of gallium, indium, and tin, as a replacement for mercury.
Dave: What???
The Honest Guru: You would literally need to break 7-8 thermometers...
Dave:...
The Honest Guru: If this question ever comes up in Jeopardy -and you win big bucks because of it -do remember me.
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Dave: Honest Guru, this is serious man, should I vote for Donald Trump? I'm thinking about it...
The Honest Guru: I know. I know...Truth be told...
Dave: What? You thinking about voting for him too?
The Honest Guru: I'm very conflicted. It's like it's democracy in action, yet it seems like it's the end of democracy...
Dave: How so?
The Honest Guru: The people are speaking...but the system doesn't like it...
Dave: Why is that?
The Honest Guru: Because, my friend, the voice of the people is...grotesque...