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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After
sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blond "biker girl." 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blond woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is a blond and a professional weight-lifter 5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." |
A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in.
With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
A man and his ever nagging wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While there, the wife took ill and after a few days of suffering passed away.
While meeting with the undertaker, the man was told, "You can either have her shipped back home and have the funeral services there for about $6000, and it will probably take quite a while before we can do that. Or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land with your ancestors and have a direct route to Heaven for only $150"
The man thinks for a few moments and says "I would much rather have her sent back home for the extra money, Thank You"
The undertaker replied to the man "Why would you rather spend so much money having her sent several thousand miles back home when you could have it done here for so cheap?"
The man says "A long time ago, Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and a few days later rose from the dead. I simply cannot take that chance"
While meeting with the undertaker, the man was told, "You can either have her shipped back home and have the funeral services there for about $6000, and it will probably take quite a while before we can do that. Or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land with your ancestors and have a direct route to Heaven for only $150"
The man thinks for a few moments and says "I would much rather have her sent back home for the extra money, Thank You"
The undertaker replied to the man "Why would you rather spend so much money having her sent several thousand miles back home when you could have it done here for so cheap?"
The man says "A long time ago, Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and a few days later rose from the dead. I simply cannot take that chance"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, you are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother, Ann. "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mother, Joyce. "Your obsession is with alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your daughter's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
mothers and their children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, you are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother, Ann. "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mother, Joyce. "Your obsession is with alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your daughter's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
A professor at a university is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 20 students raise their hands.
“I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response.” “Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic.” “But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, and says,
“Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost?!? Sh**it. From baaack there it sounded like you said ‘goats!’”
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 20 students raise their hands.
“I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response.” “Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic.” “But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, and says,
“Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost?!? Sh**it. From baaack there it sounded like you said ‘goats!’”
A blond was driving along a country road, listening to the radio. The D.J. was telling blond jokes one after the other and she got extremely pissed off and turned off the radio.
She continued down the road, and in a field she saw another blond in a canoe trying to row across the field. She stopped and got out of the car, and yelled across to the other blond, "It's Blonds like you who make everyone think I'm stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind!"
She continued down the road, and in a field she saw another blond in a canoe trying to row across the field. She stopped and got out of the car, and yelled across to the other blond, "It's Blonds like you who make everyone think I'm stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind!"
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a loud scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a loud scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
Sam urgently needed a few days off work, but he knew the Boss would not allow him to take a leave. So he thought that maybe if he acted "CRAZY" then he would tell him to take a few days off.
So he hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. His co-worker (who's blonde) asked what he was doing? He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think he was "CRAZY" and give him a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" Sam told him he was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
Sam jumped down and walked out of the office. When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
So he hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. His co-worker (who's blonde) asked what he was doing? He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think he was "CRAZY" and give him a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" Sam told him he was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
Sam jumped down and walked out of the office. When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans!" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans!" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
A man goes into work and says to his co-worker on Monday: "Can you believe it? I got mugged this weekend!"
"No way" says the co-worker
"Yep, took my wallet and all my credit cards."
"Did you report it?"
"Nah, so far he's been spending less than my wife was!"
"No way" says the co-worker
"Yep, took my wallet and all my credit cards."
"Did you report it?"
"Nah, so far he's been spending less than my wife was!"
A man walks in a fish market and asks the owner, "How much are your crabs?" The owner scratches his head and says, "They're about $1.00 a piece" "My, my...," beamed the guy. "Shake hands with a millionaire!"